My toddler is hitting the new baby

If your toddler is hitting the new baby and you feel your own anger rising, you're not failing. Stop the hit calmly, move the baby to safety, and stay close to your toddler. The behaviour often comes from big feelings, jealousy, tiredness or wanting connection, but it still needs a firm, kind limit.

The direct answer explained

At 2am, or after the tenth interruption while you're feeding the baby, a hit can feel like a personal attack. You might feel furious, frightened or instantly guilty for feeling furious. I've been there. Your reaction doesn't make you a bad parent. It means you're stretched thin.

Your toddler isn't a tiny villain. They're struggling with a huge change and using the quickest behaviour they have to communicate it. They might be saying:

• “Look at me.”
• “The baby keeps taking you.”
• “I don't know where I fit now.”
• “I'm angry, and I can't stop myself.”
• “I need help with this feeling.”

Understanding the reason doesn't mean accepting the hitting. Both things can be true. Your toddler needs compassion and a clear boundary.

Use as few words as possible in the moment:

“I won't let you hit the baby. Hitting hurts. I'm moving the baby, and I'll help you calm down.”

Then physically block the next hit or move your toddler back. Keep your voice low. Don't demand an apology while they're still overwhelmed. Don't launch into a long explanation. Their brain won't take much in during a storm.

If you need more support with the feelings behind this behaviour, Tantrums With Less Panic covers simple phrases and reset steps for difficult moments.

What affects it in practice

Hitting usually gets worse when your toddler is hungry, tired, overstimulated or already missing you. The new baby can also make ordinary limits feel much bigger. A request to wash hands might become the final straw after a day of sharing your attention.

The setting matters too. Hitting during a feed may mean your toddler wants closeness. Hitting when the baby cries may mean the noise feels unbearable. Hitting when visitors arrive may mean your toddler is struggling with all the change around them.

You don't need to identify the perfect cause before you respond. Look for patterns instead. For the next few days, notice:

1. When it happens. Is it around feeds, bedtime, nappy changes or visitors?
2. What happened just before. Did you say “not now”, pick up the baby or stop an activity?
3. What your toddler gets afterwards. Do they get a long conversation, a cuddle or one-to-one time?
4. What helps it stop. Does a snack, quiet space or physical closeness make a difference?

This isn't about blaming yourself or your toddler. It's about making the next incident slightly easier to handle.

Try to protect a small pocket of predictable connection every day. It doesn't need to be an elaborate activity. Ten minutes on the floor, a book before bed or sitting beside your toddler while the baby sleeps can help fill their connection cup.

Say what you notice without making them responsible for your feelings:

• “You've been waiting while I fed the baby.”
• “You wanted me to look at you.”
• “It's hard when the baby cries.”
• “You can be angry. I won't let you hurt anyone.”

If this is happening alongside the arrival of a new baby, the practical ideas in The New Sibling Starter Kit may help you prepare connection, routines and boundaries without expecting your toddler to be delighted all the time.

What to actually do

You don't need a perfect plan. You need a repeatable response that still works when you're tired.

In the next ten minutes

If a hit has just happened, try this:

1. Make everyone safe. Pick up or move the baby first if needed. Put your body between them and your toddler.
2. Use one clear sentence. Try, “I won't let you hit.” Avoid shouting across the room if you can.
3. Name the feeling. Say, “You wanted me and you're angry.” Keep it brief.
4. Offer a safe action. “You can stamp your feet, squeeze this cushion or hit the cushion, not the baby.”
5. Reconnect once calm. Offer a cuddle, sit nearby or invite your toddler to help with something simple.

Helping with the baby can work for some toddlers, but don't make it their job. “Would you like to choose the baby's muslin?” is an invitation. “You need to help because you're the big one” can add pressure.

Give your toddler attention before they have to demand it when possible. A quick touch on the shoulder, eye contact across the room or “I'll be with you after this nappy” can reassure them that you haven't disappeared.

Keep the boundary boring and consistent. If your toddler hits again, repeat the same words and move them away again. You don't need a new consequence every time. Your calm repetition teaches more than a dramatic punishment.

Try to avoid labels such as “you're naughty” or “you're a bully”. Describe the action instead: “Hitting hurts. I won't let you hit.” This keeps the limit clear without turning one behaviour into their identity.

If you feel yourself about to explode, put the baby somewhere safe and take a few breaths nearby. Run cold water over your hands. Text someone who can come over. Your toddler needs safety, and so do you.

When possible, lower the number of high-risk moments. Keep a snack ready during feeds. Have a basket of special toys beside the chair. Sit on the floor with your toddler while the baby has tummy time. These aren't bribes. They're small ways to make connection easier.

You might also read why your toddler only has tantrums with you if your child seems to hold everything together for other people and then unravel with you.

When to get support

Speak to your GP, health visitor or another trusted professional if the hitting is frequent, escalating, causing injuries, happening in many settings or becoming difficult to keep safe. Ask for support sooner if you're worried about your toddler's development, communication, mood or ability to recover after incidents.

You should also reach out if you feel frightened by your own reactions, or you're worried you might shout, shake, hit or handle either child roughly. Put the baby somewhere safe, step away for a moment and contact someone you trust or your local urgent support service.

A professional can help you look at the whole picture. That might include sleep, transitions, communication, family stress and how to protect one-to-one time. You don't need to wait until things become unbearable.

If your baby has been injured, seek medical advice. If there's an immediate danger, call emergency services.

You can tell your toddler's nursery or childminder what's happening too. Ask them to use the same short phrase and tell you what they notice. Consistency across adults can make the boundary easier for your child to understand.